My interest in inner discovery and transformation really started when I was 15 years old and learnt Transcendental Meditation (TM). After a while, the deep relaxation I got from TM had helped me change from being shy and socially awkward into a more relaxed and self-assured person. I felt that my life improved immeasurably as a result.
Unfortunately, my newfound confidence led to more socialising and less meditation, and my daily practice eventually lapsed. I still used TM over the following years but on an occasional basis, more as a very effective relaxation tool.
My experience of TM led to an interest in Eastern mysticism and spiritual practice. Gopi Krishna’s awakening of the Kundalini energy, Jane Hamilton-Merritt’s experiences of Vippasana meditation in Thailand, and numerous other accounts of meditation and yoga, captured my imagination.
I was fascinated by accounts of Siddhis or supernormal abilities that highly accomplished meditators can purportedly get, such as levitation and clairvoyance. However, I came to see these as waymarkers along the way to higher states of consciousness and not particularly as goals in themselves. It was the transformation of normal everyday consciousness into a higher, purer state beyond the limitations of the ego that interested me the most.
I tried various forms of meditation over the years but never really had any success with daily practice. The lack of results was the main reason I kept stopping. The only times I felt a real difference was at the end of week-long retreats, where I had a tangible but all too brief feeling of inner peace.
Other ways of spiritual transformation that I’ve been interested in along the way include Magic (the Western Mystery Tradition), Shamanism, Hatha Yoga, Pranayama, Buddhism (mainly Theravada and Tibetan), mysticism within religions and use of psychedelics and nature.
I feel now that perhaps I’ve spent too long exploring different options and accumulating knowledge, and too little time actually engaged in the right spiritual practice. For me, I think that even though I’ve found all types of meditation difficult, it still suits my temperament better than more active methods like Magic and Shamanism. I am more of a mystic than a magician!
So, I’m going back to mindfulness of breathing, as the ability to concentrate and focus can not only bring great benefits itself, but is also useful for many other practices too. I hope that not only will my meditation practice steadily improve, but some increase in peace, clarity and focus will start to come through in my everyday life too.
And, you never know, maybe one day I’ll reach Samadhi…